I am a lost bird

by - 3:54 AM


I've been questioning myself these questions "Is this what I want?", "Am I choosing the right path?"

The feeling grows stronger when I was having my examinations. Is it a normal symptoms ?
Do people doubt about their choices and decisions when they are facing problems and difficulties?

I know that one day, I will be able to smile at myself that all this works are actually nothing compared to now. Just like the current me who's smiling at the past me, thinking that SPM was actually nothing.

I really envious those people who know what their dreams are.
They are so sure about what they want and what they don't.
How can they even so sure?

People always ask me to pursue things that I want, or things that I enjoy doing. 
But what do I really want?
I don't know.

Maybe I don't know myself well enough.
That's why I am always confused and having hard time to decide. 
But if I don't know myself well, who will? 

 I feel like I am a lost bird, don't know where to fly to.
Finding my next destination without Waze.
Still finding a comfortable place to build a house and continue my life.

I am always in my comfort zone when I was in high school.
I though that I will eventually figure out what I want after I graduate.

When I was in kindergarten, I don't make decision, because my mom will.
When I was in primary school, I don't make decision either, because I know that I am going to the same high school with my sister.
When I was in high school, there is one small decision for me to do. Which is to study science stream or art stream. Guess what I choose? I choose sub-science, which is like half science and half art.
Because I don't know what to study so I simply choose and go in the class that the school allocated me.

Then what's next? College. Mom helped me to do the decision. "Kinda"
I wanted to study hospitality at first because I think that's interesting. But my mom convinced me to study business instead. So yea, here I am studying business.
I wanted to study at Sunway because I have more friends there but I ended up studying at Monash because mom said that the university is more popular and better.
I took my mom's advice. Because mom is always right :)

I didn't blame her for asking me to study business, because I am not persistence enough.
I followed what my mom told me to do. She didn't force me to choose business, instead she let me to choose, and I accepted her proposal. So, it's not her fault for wanting me to study business.

No one can really do the decision for me because it's my own life.
Mom doesn't because she doesn't want me to regret for choosing things that I don't like.
If I choose the path myself, I have no one to blame, besides myself.

When people complain about their work is hard, and saying that they're enjoying doing those work at the same time, I am confused.
I don't know what does it mean.

Why do people enjoy doing hard work? 

That's the dream that they want, they will say. They said that they are willing to sacrifice for their dream. 
And I think that it's beautiful to have a dream.
They don't give up easily even when they feel discouraged.
How can they do it?

I am jealous those who have dream.
 I hope that I can feel the same way like them one day.

I am just a lost bird, still finding my dream.


Love,
CLYL.


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